Mystery Headaches: Part I

The fall of 2005 I found myself living in Agoura Hills, CA. I played hockey and went to the gym regularly, and on the days I wasn’t playing Ultimate Frisbee I worked as a substitute teacher. At the time my endurance greatly exceeded my income. Despite being in good physical shape I began a battle with what I first thought was an ear infection.

I remember my first time at the health clinic, the place where immigrants, day workers, and substitute teachers go to the doctor. I guess this is the closest thing we have to national healthcare in this country, and after my first visit I thought this place was great. I went in with no file on record, no phone call, and no appointment. I sat in the reception area for about four minutes and the receptionist apologized for my wait. I met with a doctor, had two kinds of drugs, and was out the door within fifteen minutes of the time I parked.

However, after a couple visits I was tired of being misdiagnosed with an ear infection. So I told the doctor my concerns, and added that I thought the symptoms got worse when I got water in my ear. With his medical expertise he responded, “Then try not to get water in your ear,” and sent me home with some more antibiotics. My warm feelings about the inexpensive health clinic began to dissipate.

Next I headed to the ears, nose and throat doctor. In case you didn’t know… that exists. I still had no money and no insurance, but I found people to be charitable when they became aware of that information. This time I had a competent doctor. He could not tell me the cause of my pain, but with some certainty concluded that it was unrelated to my ear. Now I knew it wasn't my ear, but after a few weeks the intense headache came back. At 3:30am one morning I sent out an e-mail to my medical friends that resulted in diagnosis of migraines.

I tried Ibuprofen, Tylenol, Codeine, and other drugs with no avail. So eventually I gave in and went to the neurologist. He gave me some additional sugar pills specifically designed for migraines. I didn’t care for Dr. Label much. He flippantly and unsympathetically concluded that I had migraines, and he smelled bad. He was confident that I had had migraines in the past and now they were just more severe. I simply needed to identify my triggers so I could minimize their occurrences. The first incident occurred when I was at a five-star resort in Florida, next to the pool reading a book and drinking ice water that was brought to me by a cute young girl. I wasn’t stressed. I didn’t have triggers.

I also didn’t know what else to do. I thought maybe I had some kind of brain aneurism or something. I remember wondering if there was a slight chance that I might die during one of my hockey games. I decided I would ask that question to the doctor during my next visit, but I would play all my games until then. I didn’t die.

Not only did he tell me death from hockey was unlikely he also told me getting a brain scan was unnecessary. However, nothing he had told me was working so I was getting desperate. My previous visit he even gave me medicine to inject into myself. None of the pills helped so we had to try something stronger. That medicine also didn’t do a damn thing to relieve the pain, but sticking a needle in your own ass does take you mind of it momentarily. I opted to cough up $1200 for the MRI.

The MRI report stated the following: My brain parenchyma is normal. There are no signal abnormalities, and there are no enhancing lesions. However, my vertebral arteries are somewhat tortuous, slightly displacing my medulla posteriorly and towards the right. This is of questionable significance.

This was the over-detailed way of saying I was fine. The summary added that my brain was "otherwise unremarkable." I would dare to disagree. They don’t even know me.